I am a person who difficult to cry. Last time I cried when my mother died about 4 years ago. I was the person who cried less than my relatives on that event. Even compared to my older relatives.
Yes sometimes I also cried but only in my dreams. Or when I listen to a gospel song and I sing along, suddenly I feel sentimental, I’m moved, my heart couldn’t cope and my eyes begin to wet a little bit. But it usually just stop until that. Not more.
But this morning when I listened to a gospel song. I suddenly wept , cried out like a kid after I participated to sing. I cried “God, help me ! God, forgive me !” for many times between my sobs. It made me relieve.
For you know, I professed to believe after I become adult. And as you know too like I wrote in my articles that my faith is still weak, not grown yet. Rather than being a channel of blessing to others, I prefer to ask a blessing from God for my own. I am selfish like a child, right ? I am still an infant who still needs milk rather than solid food, who have not been trained by practice to distinguish good from evil. ( Hebrews 5:13-14 ) Instead of reading my holy book and praying, I prefer to spend my spare time doing crossdressing. I only read my holy book for a few times, each times for a short time and if necessary only. I pray just like a routine that I have to do it. Yes I usualy go to the house of the Lord once a week, but I still can’t feel His presence, His nearness, His touch and His greeting to me.
God, I don’t understand it at all. Why am I easily moved when I listen to Gospel song ? Maybe I just love You for sentimental reasons. A very selfish love and not a mutual love.