Tag Archive | Bananarama

Shy boy

Since I was a kid, I was a shy boy until became a teenager. Maybe until now I am still a shy girl and I am a closed person.

When I was in elementary school, there was a custom where the teachers arranged the seats of their pupils. And when it done, it applied in a year. Thus the pupils can not sit wherever they like. And one thing that is funny, a male pupil always gets a female pupil as his sit mate at the same table. I don’t know the reason why the teachers applied this custom. Maybe by this way a male pupil can not make or reduces the possibility to make a fuss and noise during  the class because his sit mate is a female pupil.

I still remember when in certain years  I was seated with a beautiful female pupil. It happened to me at least twice or two year. By that time I already could judge whether if a girl is beautiful or not. But it  can be said that I always or almost silent, never talk to my sit mate or begin to open a conversation. My female sit mate was always the one who started talking to me.

There was an event that made me shy. My female teacher made a joke of me by matching me with a beautiful female pupil who was my sit mate. She said it in front of my late parents and my older sister at my home when she visited us.

Not only in school I was shy, but at home as well. When the relatives of my mother came to visit my family at home, I usually hid in my bedroom and pretended to sleep. Sometimes the relatives of my mother entered my bed room and teased me. Sometimes they teased me until I cried. And when they went, sometimes my late mother said to me “Shy boy !”. But however she was a wise mother to me, she never called me sissy. But the other way around, she always encouraged me so I didn’t do this again when my relatives came to my home.

When I became a teenager, my school friends at junior high school began to know love. Maybe puppy love. A male pupil began to make a close relation with a female pupil. And they were ridiculed by the other. And I never have a courage to approach a female friend, but only ridiculed by the other by matching me with a female school friend. By that time I still felt embarrassed, but I also felt happy if they matched me incidentally with a girl who I like. That time, a female friend of my older sister even teased me though she was joking, but I couldn’t give her a respond.

It continued until I was in senior high school. My female teacher also made a joke of me by matching me with a beautiful female pupil. Even my male teacher tried to match me with a beautiful female pupil as well. Maybe they knew that I was too shy.

At last when I was in college, I tried to make a close relationship with my female college friend. But when I was trying hard to work it out, she dropped out from the college. Pity me. 😦

Love in the first degree

A few days ago I read an article that says guilt is an achievement, a gift from God to help us fix our mistakes or sins. It makes sense and I agree.  But we must be careful to  distinguish whether the guilt  comes from evil or from  the Lord. I read in another article, guilt that comes from evil only takes us to a deeper grief and may ends up with  a suicide. Otherwise, guilt that comes from the Lord can takes us to repentance.

Like the story of Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus and ends his own life with suicide, because the guilt that comes from evil. While Peter who denied Jesus but eventually repent, because the guilt that comes from the Lord.

What about crossdressing ? Some say it is a sinful activity, the other say no. Me myself confused about that.  I love crossdressing. Love in the first degree. That means I deliberately and plans to do crossdressing. But I’m still afraid of  God too.  So, here Iam deep in  confusion to decide  if it is a sinful behaviour or not ? And still trying to distinguish whether the guilt  comes from evil or from  the Lord.