Archive | January 2, 2012

I Love You For Sentimental Reasons

I am a person who difficult to cry. Last time I cried when my mother died about 4 years ago. I was the person who cried  less than  my relatives on that event. Even compared to my older relatives.

Yes sometimes I also cried but only in my dreams. Or when I listen to a gospel song and I sing along, suddenly I feel sentimental, I’m moved, my heart couldn’t cope and my eyes begin to wet a little bit. But it usually just stop until that. Not more.

But this morning when I listened to a gospel song. I suddenly wept , cried out like a kid after I participated to sing. I cried “God, help me ! God, forgive me !” for many times between my sobs. It made me relieve.

For you know, I professed to believe after I  become adult. And as you know too like I wrote in my articles that my faith is still weak, not grown yet. Rather than being a channel of blessing to others, I prefer to ask a blessing from God  for my own. I am selfish like a child, right ? I am still an infant who still needs milk rather than solid food, who have not  been trained by practice to distinguish good from evil. ( Hebrews 5:13-14 )  Instead of reading my holy book and praying, I prefer to spend my spare time doing crossdressing. I  only read my holy book  for a few times, each times for a short time and  if necessary only.  I pray just like a routine that I have to do it. Yes I usualy go to the house of the Lord once a week, but I still can’t feel His presence, His nearness, His touch and His greeting to me.

God, I don’t understand it at all. Why am  I easily moved  when I listen to Gospel song ?  Maybe I just  love You for sentimental reasons. A very selfish love and not a mutual love.